Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
