I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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