I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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