FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
