Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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