Where did you get a picture of my penis
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
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