You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
