I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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