Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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