last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Randomize
