just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
