Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
