I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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