3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
