I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize