What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
