The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize