I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
