I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
