I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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