i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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