So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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