i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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