I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
As shirtless as possible
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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