She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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