You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
