I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
