my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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