after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize