Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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