glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
