i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize