someone threw a dead crab at me
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
