My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
