I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
