i wish my penis had a tongue
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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