1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
