she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
