his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
i out mim tonsoeep
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