My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
