the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
