Operation Purity has been aborted
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
