It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
