No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
