OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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