shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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