god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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