I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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