At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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