In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
