Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
