Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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