You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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