Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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