Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Randomize
