she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
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