cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
