i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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